Blood Sacrifice For Novices

 
It is not necessary to adopt the traditional Black Hooded Robe or to carry a Razor Sharp Dagger while assembling furniture.
 
I have assembled furniture for ages (no longer than THAT !) and these are my considered conclusions:
 
1 When using a Stanley knife you should always make a small cut on your finger and this will do away with the need for a larger deeper cut through your wrist later.
 
2 - When you need a Phillips screwdriver you wil only be able to find a flat screwdriver

3 See 2 but in reverse.

4 when you need an urgent tool or clamp or tube of impact glue all the stores will be closed for the festival of Baseholm ( A similar festival to the Wicker man where customers who cannot find their loyalty card or the RIGHT CHANGE are rounded up and burnt in a Wicker Cage on Clapham Common).

5 All roads leading to the store you need will be closed by police looking for terrorists or waiting in the queue at a fish and chip shop.

6 You will always get the instructions for a video recorder in a box for a satellite Dish. This will be in Romanian.
 
7 Any Satellite dish will always need to be installed 4 feet higher than your ladder.
 
7a Your ladder will always be missing one of the rubber feet.
 
8 When shopping for large pieces of Ikea Furniture you will never be able to park   near the loading Bay.

9 If you need a saw to adjust any piece of woodwork the only one you will be able to find will be the one your father sharpened in 1932
 
10  All attempts at Plumbing will result in a leak. This includes the installation of washng machines and toilets.Plumbers may need 2 days to arrive.

11 Electrical work on tlevisions and cameras will result in greater damage.
 
12 All electrical appliances need a 5 star pointed tool unobtainable to the public to repair.

13 Vacuum Cleaner bags are only made for half the life of the cleaner.
  Replacement bags are always smaller than the original.

14 Never work on any moving machinery while wearing a tie or in the nude. (or both) This particularly applies to strimmers.
 
15 Sex and DIY do not mix - you get the grease everywhere.
 
16 DIY Books are written in Chines by an illiterate left handed zoo keeper.
    Such books are helpfully translated via Serbo-Croat  translator who only speaks Welsh
 
17 MOST IMPORTANT - always take the CARD from the man offering to assemble your furniture before you leave the store. Who knows - it might be from me !